Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.

the trade off from turning 50 is you cant see letters up close but you can spot idiots from miles away

WAITER: Can I take your order?

CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?

WAITER: …Dad?

CUSTOMER: …son?

[they embrace, finally reunited]

DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself

I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.

I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit

Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals

I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.

It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.

What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.

What I heard: Weight loss.

*doubles dosage*

I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.

Thinking about the time my 2 yr old unbuckled his seatbelt and stood up to wave at a passing cop. I got a ticket and my 2 yr old got a sticker recruiting him to be a police officer.

REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:

So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.

For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”

My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.

Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”

I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.

I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.

But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.

ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!

ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.

I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.

Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.

Who are we?
CLIENTS!

What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!

When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!

Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”

Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks

[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*

“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg

I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.

grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them

The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?

anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot

“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”

STEVE: How about a Kasteve?

BOB: I have a better idea

one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process