Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.

That’s the moment you wish you had kids.

My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.

We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.

I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.

My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots

Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?

The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”

Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.

“Next house. This one’s been done already.”

Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.

Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?

* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *

My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.

The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling

TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle

ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?

Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!

[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please

The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet

Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room

Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.

The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.

Oh no Moo Deng noo!!

Stop blaming your parents.

You’re 32.

Blame your spouse.

There’s only one way we’ll at least occasionally get normal elected officials and that’s if we pick them by random lottery

Ways I am superior to ducks:

1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts

2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family

3. Better Penmanship

4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)

[coming out of coma]

Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*

In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.

BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!

Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.

Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends

Me: That’s not even a real number

I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.

Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with

Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.