Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.

*working out*

this is so much worse than i thought

Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral

Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.

Wife: Why are you so handsome?
Me: Because I have an amazing wife who takes care of me and motivates me to stay in shape and eat well
Wife: 🥰
Me: Why are you so pretty?
Wife: bc I have a skin care routine

[garden]

tomato plant: how’s your summer?

pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year

tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-

ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.

Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID

Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.

I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time

Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals

Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –

Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*

Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”

I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.

“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later

I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.

[criminal trial]

PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*

ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*

JURY: lmao, not guilty

me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is

[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?

Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes

Boss: We drew those

Me: Another good theory

A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.

i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show

God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then

[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.

I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.

I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.

*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok

Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested

I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.

Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge

I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe