NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
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If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
once again, i have fallen for life’s biggest scam: being two hours early for a flight only for security to take roughly seven minutes
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
dude it’s called proctologist
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
This is Narla. She was not allowed to go to the park. And now you are not allowed on the couch. 13/10
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
My 8-year-old has a stuffed animal that smells good if you put it in the microwave and I feel like that’s teaching kids the wrong lesson
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.