Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry but how the hell did we land on the moon and back in 1969 but can’t retrieve our astronauts from the Space Station in 2024?

Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire

Wife: what really happened?

Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour

Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.

This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.

I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.

This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in

“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.

My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*

Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!

My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*

Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.

I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.

Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”

Now, ask me the question

One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.

I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.

Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced

The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.

If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?

a fate I wish upon no one

Me [watching war movie]: I like this character. I hope he lives.

Character: *makes emotional speech about what he’ll do when he gets home from the war*

Me: Dammit.

A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’

St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!

Website: Make a password

Me: Ok

Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED

Me: Wow alright

Website: Damn that’s a strong password

[1 Week Later]

Website: You got hacked

Me: But my password was so strong

Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad

Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.

[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.

If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.

Two robbers were robbing a liquor store when one robber grabs a bottle and asks the other robber “is this whiskey?”

The other says “yeah but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank”.

imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains

I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.

Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.

Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes

Me: All vans are moving vans LOL

Her: And this is why we’re leaving

leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies