Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Child Me: Dad, can I (do a truly stupid thing)

My Dad: No!

Child Me: Whatever, Dad! I hope I’m not that lame when I grow up

Years Later

My Kid: Dad, can I (do the exact same stupid thing)

My Brain: prepare to become “that lame”

imagine playing truth or dare and they dare you to go home

Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.

When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.

I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.

As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way…

Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right choice.

Me: Where’s your water bottle?

3yo: I don’t know.

Me: Can you please go look for it?

3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.

Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”

While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.

‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury

ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”

I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.

-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.

Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.

I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug

FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian

*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*

In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.

I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.

I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago

*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*

Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?

3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!

Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.

Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅

(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang

Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work

Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.

Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?

A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean

hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly

You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”

I went for a Pap Test today and the nurse said “I like your hair colour, is it natural?” and I replied “well, you’re about to find out.” [Seinfeld slap bass end scene] x