Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”

My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.

*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*

o: I want a tail

GENIE: ok

α: longer

GENIE: sure

q: LONGER

GENIE: dude

@: perfect

A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..

Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.

My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!

“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.

Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscape

Be like Mario.

If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.

Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??

I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!

Took me years to rebuild friendships.

I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.

I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.

Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.

[exotic fish store]

AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.

marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.

My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel

Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.

*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*

Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.

I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.

The check engine light came on inside my oven.

One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.

People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it

Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?

Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.

( spelling bee )

Your word is “passive-aggressive”

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.

For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.

“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”

What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”

I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.