NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
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Serving time in more than one prison is polyslamory.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level