NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
You Might Also Like
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
True.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Cool shirt 🙂
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.