Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.

Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.

My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later

Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.

my premium snap prices:

-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15

Drilling for oil is well boring.

Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.

I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong

If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?

As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”

[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”

there should be an island full of all the dogs that bit people. could call it Bad Dog Island. and of course we’d send my little sister there too

I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.

Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.

The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.

“We know, dear.”

Friend: What time is it?

Me: November.

[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man

“your password is too weak” just wait until you see my impulse control

[Putting petrol in car]
１９.９５
１９.９６
１９.９７
[stops]
[gently now]

１９.９８

[very gently]

１９.９９

[ok, once more]
[deep breath]

３７.８３

GODDAMMIT

My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.

Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.

Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.

I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.

Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.

Is anyone gonna tell them?

Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.

CNN: The alien invasion has begun

British person: I’ll put the kettle on

Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.

My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.

In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.

I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…

ME: They call me Mr Universe

DATE: You workout?

ME: I’m constantly expanding