Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”

What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?

Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.

Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you

*cocks gun*

Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”

The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything

Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.

I fell in love with a female electrician.

…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.

Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter

Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.

Me: This edible isn’t working.

Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.

Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop

Batman: *eyes welling*

I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.

#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺

[driving]

Me: I don’t know where we are.

3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.

This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.

I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.

Ffs laughed out loud 😂

Her: Do me on that counter

*Later in therapy*

Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.

Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.

Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.

Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.

My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.

How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime

The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’

There is no try. There is only give up.

I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.

I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there

I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …

They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.

My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.

Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…