Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it

Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.

My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.

We’re prime-mates.

[ restaurant ]

him: how long for a table

me: about 8 feet

him: no the wait

me: ah, 90 lbs

Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.

*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.

[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?

Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.

*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*

Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…

Chaffing.

That’s all I’m saying…

Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.

Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.

“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”

Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”

Shit.

This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.

Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.

*3.5 thank you very much.

Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.

That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.

Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep

Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation

I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.

My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.

Everything becomes normal eventually. Think of the most beautiful spot on earth, the place you would give your left arm to see just once before you die. There’s a tour guide who works there, and he wakes up every morning thinking, “Oh god, not this shit again.”

A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune

😆this is so true

This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!

{first date}

Him: I’m 100% Italian.

*trying to impress him*

Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone

I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.

15: I found a great song. Do you want to hear it?
M: Absolutely.
15: It’s called “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears.
M: *sings the entire song at the top of my lungs & dances around the living room*
15: Okay. I don’t like the song anymore.

Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”

Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?

The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.