Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.

Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]

Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.

Happy Star Wars day!

me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own

mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me

second mint: me neither!

me: I don’t remember planting you

third mint: sup fellas how we doin

[in the car]

4yo: Can my window go down?

Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?

4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?

Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks

COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.

I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”

I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.

Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.

KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk

ME: but this tree is so tiny

movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).

i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged

What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.

me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around

Nobody ever told me that this was an option.

THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?

THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.

after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion

“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”

The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.

[police station]

Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!

Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!

Cop: *mumbling* am not.

The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble

There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.

I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.

Parenting is easy.

I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.

That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?

My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂

*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”

Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.