Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Still my favorite television listing of all time:

Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.

My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.

“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean

It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.

When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”

want me to check your oil?

I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.

“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.

I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.

The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.

“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”

I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.

“Check engine”

Yep, it’s still there.

My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.

I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.

What’s a Messi?

Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.

Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.

Me: You should have been more specific

Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel

Me: ok that does make more sense

I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200

On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.

My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”

M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.

Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.

M: Yes, yes it is.

Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’

It’s interesting that the emojis show the earth from three angles 🌎 🌍 🌏 but not the fourth.

Though 🔵 is a fair approximation of what it would look like.

People underestimate the Pacific.

Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead

Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.

“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”

TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.

Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.

[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]