Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.

When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…

Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.

ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.

2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.

When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.

my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?

me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.

narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.

[having sex with centaur]

ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*

Apparently they check bags at the movies now tell me why I admitted to all my snacks talmbout some “Ok wait, i can explain, it’s just cheetos and wine” and the cop was confused as hell assuring me “Ma’am we are searching for weapons”

I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything

I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.

Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.

Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.

Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?

Pickpocketed in London by a quite old man. Saw him whip my purse out of the side pocket of my bag. Was a nice purse I bought in Paris but swings and roundabouts – I use it to store my emergency travel tampons.
Have fun, tea leaf granda! Hope you only have a light to medium flow x

restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then

I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza

Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned

Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.

Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.

Him: Amazon Prime and chill?

Her: That’s not something people say.

Him: Sure it is. Bing it.

Her: Also not a thing.

Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious

LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me

Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?

Diabetes was the God of sugar.

If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.

Me:

My dad:

Me:

My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil

They say the camera adds 10 lbs.

Looks like fast food added the other 40.

Thought for the day:

Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?

Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.

Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?

If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?

My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”

[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real