Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
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I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
just got CPR certified if yall know anyone dead or dying tell them hml
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Godzilla represents a desire in all of us for our reputation to shift from being seen as a baddie to a good guy while changing our behaviour in no way, shape or form.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”