[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
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cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
That 👊
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
It’s so cold that men who wear shorts outside in the winter are wearing TWO pairs of shorts
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down