Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Aliens: take me to your leader

Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?

If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.

My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.

So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.

I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.

I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest

The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool

Nothing at all like us…

me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*

hot dog demon: not you again

The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.

Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!

[detention facility]

Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?

Jeoff: loitering

If an astronaut goes really fast they’re a fastronaut

“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”

A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.

Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded

I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.

me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!

Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.

Ladies, if he’s

– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber door

He’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.

“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.

Did I do this right

me:

Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!

I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.

My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024

Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit

Buzz:

Woody: say it again

Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond

Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means

the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”

What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.

5: I need you to give me some money.

Me: Why?

5: Let me worry about that.

Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand

Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’