Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.

If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed

judge: *banging gavel* guilty

me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?

judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder

You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body

God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously

The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.

All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.

TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.

*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*

Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident

Me: say no more

[Later]

Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet

Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?

Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.

Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-

Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls

Cop: is that… is that less weird?

“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”

sneezy geese carry a honkerchief

I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.

Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.

Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?

*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*

Wife: Where’s Brian?

Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?

I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.

“They grow up so fast.”

– Me, looking at my problems.

Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.

“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter

How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”

[birthday party]

*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*

me: *dejectedly puts down fork*

I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.

#StillHurts

I’d like to be alone now please sign out.

*carpools to work*

Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops

Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you

Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?

Justice is a dish best served cold.

If it was served warm, it would be justwater.