Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t listen to gmail, little password. You are strong.

The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.

I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.

The symmetry is uncanny.

Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday

Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.

This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️

Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.

Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.

MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors

“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”

*nervous glance at dog

Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend

heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead

Fog is like lingerie for the sky.

Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”

Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”

Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?

Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video

Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.

*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.

Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”

I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.

You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby

*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac

Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying

4-year-old: What’s that?

Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.

*eats her bacon*

Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”

Maths meets science

me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?

Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”