Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
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No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Hell yes I am good at counterfeiting. How many $36 dollar bills do you want?
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]