Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…

You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.

A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”

[Valentine’s Day]

Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?

Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?

What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?

Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.

no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball

No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.

Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.

If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage

Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.

I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.

Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.

🫠

I put the h in mysterious.

Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?

“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]

Light as a feather, smorg as a board

[My funeral]

Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential

[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]

why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.

Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration

The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.

You’re not my real can

Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.

Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-

Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]

I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.

have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.

My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.

6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈

Me – Why?

6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂

Me – 😢

Me: get murdered or die trying amirite

Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered

I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.

remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life

While on a family road trip

My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?

Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking

My Kid: How about at the next stop light?

Me: sure…

Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination