NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
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I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
how do i get recruited by a cult i need some direction in my life
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.