National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
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Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Not religious but been going through a hard time so lit a candle in a church today for the first time to seek help. 30 mins later a pigeon shat on my head
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
I got called to HR again for setting up mousetraps around my gross coworker that takes their shoes off
Me every time my old dentists office calls me to schedule an appointment not knowing I changed to a new dentist
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe