National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
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why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded