National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
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[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
Like many people of my generation I was brought up to live my life believing in the virtue of delayed gratification.
I’m now in my 60s and it’s too soon to say whether it was worth it.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
my bf is sick and i offered him a cup of throat coat tea and he (extremely blearily) went “throat goat???”
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
always be there
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
I’ll do a psychic reading for you free of charge on account of I have no idea what I’m doing
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
What did the 0 said to O?
Ohio!
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-