National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
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Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
I was trying to catch a cricket in the house this morning and was yelling at it, “I know this is scary, but stop struggling I’m trying to help you!” Probably the same thing the universe is always yelling at me.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
This was a bad idea all around
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT