National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
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you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
A little too much information.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
When Batman suddenly arrives and it’s just the shadow of him with glowing white eyes? That’s what I look like to the English muffins when I walk into the kitchen in the morning
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
“what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” oh it’s ok you can just kill me next time
*bumps into old work colleague*
*chats for 30 seconds*
Them: “we should totally catch up soon”
My brain: no, this was enough catching!
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.