National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
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If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
If people ask what my toddler daughter’s rabbit is called, I lie and tell them his name is Prince. His actual name, chosen by my daughter who heard it once but doesn’t understand the historical significance of it yet, is Hitler
The Burt Reynolds in me says go for it, but the Wile E. Coyote in me knows how it’ll end.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I’m not eating this piece of apple until you take the skin off.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
I’m sure it’s fine.
