National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
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The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
me logging onto twitter
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Happy Star Wars day!
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
This makes total sense…
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]