National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?

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The Riddler always struck me as the Batman villain most likely to have been a pickup artist.


Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.


Age 20: Gonna make something of my life

Age 30: Not really going as planned



Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.


The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.


friend: how’s the new job?

me: can’t complain

friend: what’s with the beeping collar?

me: *tearing up* can’t complain


Me: How old is your daughter?

Her: She’ll be 4 next week.

Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.


Management tip – only hire bald guys. They don’t have anything going on besides work.


I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial


ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building