@Northerngent4

National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?

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@brendanmcginley

The Riddler always struck me as the Batman villain most likely to have been a pickup artist.

@bourgeoisalien

Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.

@dafloydsta

Age 20: Gonna make something of my life

Age 30: Not really going as planned

Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE

@CarpentersCrack

Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.

@thatdutchperson

The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.

@Browtweaten

friend: how’s the new job?

me: can’t complain

friend: what’s with the beeping collar?

me: *tearing up* can’t complain

@WheelTod

Me: How old is your daughter?

Her: She’ll be 4 next week.

Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.

@juliussharpe

Management tip – only hire bald guys. They don’t have anything going on besides work.

@lacybronze1

I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial

@FunnyBison

ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building