National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
You Might Also Like
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
“Can we use a library meeting room?”
“What for?”
“Just a meeting.”
“Not a party?”
“No. Why would you ask that?”
“Well, the sheet cake and sleeve of red plastic solo cups does raise some questions.”
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Quadruple digit IQ
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food