” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
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She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
When you try jalapeños for the first time
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Had a spot of bother earlier.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
