Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows

My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today

Me: You’re going to prison?

My French accountant: Oui

Me: WE are going to prison?

its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??

My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.

So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.

[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]

Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”

My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.

doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died

my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar

Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago

That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…

My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.

I’m going to jail.

Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!

Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.

I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.

My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”

In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.

According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me

Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work

Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.

Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.

me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now

If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills

[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.

Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.

Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando

“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus

All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.

Murder* documentaries**

Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”

I’d rather you didgerididn’t.

that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.

And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.

Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.

When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”

inside everyone there are 2 wolves, one trying to ruin a pig’s house and one pretending to be your grandma.