” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
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My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”