*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
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I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*