Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
You Might Also Like
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
I’m offering a new service for billionaires to visit the OceanGate Titan sub wreckage for the low, low price of $250,000.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Shoutout to coughing on the bus. Haven’t tried it myself but seems really popular
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
What’s the best registration plate you’ve seen?
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall