Nativity season is upon us! My son has been cast as a wise man. My daughter, on the otherhand –
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Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
waiting for halloween be like:
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Limited budget
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
My daughter had a before school donut party for track and an after school ice cream party for orchestra so I asked her if she had anything else coming up?
My 10 y/o as he walks by… “Diabetes probably.”