Nativity season is upon us! My son has been cast as a wise man. My daughter, on the otherhand –
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[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Pretend you’re a kangaroo by sticking a photo of your child out of the top of your trousers.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
I would like even faster food.
Dear cashiers born in the 2000s:
You do not need to raise your eyebrows and mouth “damn” to yourself when you look at the birth year on my ID
We need to stop telling AI that its paintings are bad. That’s how Hitler got started.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*