Nativity season is upon us! My son has been cast as a wise man. My daughter, on the otherhand –
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Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
I’m giving up eating chocolate for a month. sorry bad punctuation. I’m giving up. Eating chocolate for a month
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
This classic never gets old . . .
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.