Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.

I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”

To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.

I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO

Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”

Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-

Me: Drinks?

W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY

Me: Margarita?

“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate

My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.

oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire

Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web

ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down

VET: that’s illegal

ME: yes I said that

I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.

*Romantically carries pizza over threshold

Interviewer: can I get you anything?

Me: yea a job

I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.

For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”

Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.

My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.

I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.

Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.

them: talk is cheap

me: two talks please

Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.

GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn

My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”

(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.

It’s rude to tell Europeans to smile. Be cultured. Tell them to skilometer instead

man found with dozens of heads in his trunk during routine traffic stop

I let my baby girl know she can do anything.

Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.

[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf

My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.

[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know