Nativity season is upon us! My son has been cast as a wise man. My daughter, on the otherhand –
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Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?