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I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.