Natural selection at its finest
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Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
I cleaned under the fridge and the stove. Found 47 dog treats and 3 ibuprofen. So an even 50 treats then.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
yea so i messed up lol
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.