Natural selection at its finest
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⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
sweet dreams💖
Bartenders are just boneless bars
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.