Natural selection at its finest
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Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
Saw this yesterday lol
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Lunatics are gonna loon.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy