Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
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*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
This trial is so absurd 😭
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!