Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.

Me: I have a headache.

WebMD: and it will be your last.

“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”

You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink

We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.

We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!

We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.

When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.

Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone

I love the National Park Service.

I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant

coworker: we’re all gonna go to dinner next thursday. you in?

me: no thanks i’m not hungry

I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?

I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.

Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.

Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows

They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.

“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.

“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”

“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.

I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.

You don’t serve tuna do you?

“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”

*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*

[1st date]

HER: So do you have any hobbies?

SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor

HER: What?!

HIM: Just ventriloquism

The cops knocked on my door and said, we’re looking for a burglar with one eye.

I said, wouldn’t it be better if you used both eyes.

At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.

Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck

“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate

BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.

Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.

Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’

You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok

*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*

Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.

“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”

Guys named Geoff.

A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”

a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup

My son asked my wife why I make noises every time I stand up.

She told him it’s because I’m a groan man.