Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit

Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.

[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this

Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books

Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”

The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.

The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.

Girl: I will literally **kill** you

Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout

Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this

What do best men at weddings in France do?

Making French toasts!

#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes

Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two

I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.

No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.

I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.

hello, boyfriend? it’s me, girlfriend, from dating?

[on first date]

I’ll have an iced tea, please.

Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?

My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯

My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.

Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.

got a pretty bad nosebleed at work and everyone was like “omggg are you okay” and i was treated like a princess and then half an hour later my coworker one upped me by having a seizure lol

Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*

Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person

Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.

5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.

Me: You grew. How is that my fault?

5: You fed me.

You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.

Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it

“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.

Nose

[Russian class]

Um, why did I fail this test?

Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…

I knowski.

The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.

I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.

I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order

“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.

My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.