Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You: Cute kid. What’s his name?

Me: Kenwood.

You:

Me: I’m really into stereotypes.

It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.

[abducted aboard a UFO]

Alien: Take us to your leader

Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?

A: We’ll return you, unharmed

M: Not… not even a probe?

A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans

M: *pouting* Even if I say please?

ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food

GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste

ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny

My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it

5: Can we go outside and play.

Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.

5: Can’t you just throw up outside?

COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang

Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.

ME: i wish girls would flock to me

GENIE: ok

ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A

Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?

Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?

Him: Not funny.

I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.

I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.

It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.

[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”

Probably my best painting.

Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?

Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –

Son: Mom!

After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.

Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.

classic mixup

CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions

“Can you get my water, Mom?”

— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.

FRED: right

I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.

ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?

WIFE: Inverted?

ME: No, in English Sharon.

My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.

Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.

Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.

Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.

My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.

me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other

mime teacher: *thumbs up*

Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.