Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.

[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken

GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet

I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.

Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️

Some people come into our lives only briefly

Some touch our hearts and will always be with us

And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately

Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.

My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.

Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you

HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!

I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.

Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong

I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato

Tuesday

Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?

“dress for the job you want”

There’s a job you want???

“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”

Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*

Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*

[Heaven]

God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth

Stan Lee: Nuff said!

God: It’s just part of the job

Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]

Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.

I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.

I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: pass

Officer: have you been drinking?

Me: pass

Officer: You can’t just keep..

Me: pass

I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..

I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.

13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.

PEAK POKEMON DESIGN

Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.

Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.

Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.

Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.

My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.

The universe isn’t working so I’m going to turn it off and back on again. You will cease to exist for a few minutes. I apologize for the inconvenience.