Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
You Might Also Like
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
I support this random dude and all his protests
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed