Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣

[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!

My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.

Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.

Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?

Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.

Wife: I know. It’s awful.

Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…

Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.

bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies

Apostrophes are important.

“I fed the dog”

“I f’ed the dog”

Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.

Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.

Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!

*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*

uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is

I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”

Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!

*blam!*

And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.

I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos

October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.

When my wife says “Guess what today is.”

Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah

If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.

My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.

[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter

Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..

Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..

Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.

Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”

Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.

The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”

We are all that mom.

ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor

FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?

ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer

Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*

Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.

I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.

I bet your first day as a bullfighter they start you off by fighting a really rare steak.

[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?