Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
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Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
so, is there a mister shapen head
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Lmao 🤣
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
This is a true ally.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Twitter is like a mental hospital where everyone thinks they are the only sane person and everyone else is crazy.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
they say if you lose one of your senses the others become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day just by looking at them
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Normalize the Christmas piñata so you can “miss” and whack Uncle Frank who’s being a dickwad.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.