Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
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People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
I hope Alan is OK
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Read an interesting statistic this morning: ‘Over 73% of women are deeply unhappy with their sex life.’ I still have no idea how it got laminated and stuck on the fridge door at home though.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.