Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
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Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
It really annoys me when people use the wrong word and don’t have the humidity to admit it
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
I think suicide is selfish because there’s probably somebody out there who already really wants to kill you
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.