Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
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“The lights are on but nobody’s home” is such a brutal way to say somebody’s dumb 😭😭😭😭😭
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
[first day at CIA]
Do you have a weapon of mass destruction boy cuz I’d like to invade?
[last day at CIA & permanent resident on No Fly list]
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? Bird flu requires tweetment; swine flu requires oinkment.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl