Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
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What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
I’ve had so much tea trying to get rid of this cold that I’m now speaking with a British accent and am fascinated with the Royal family.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Gemma Correll
Me: Can we get back to talking about me?
Therapist: Why not. Everyone else is.
Me: What?
Therapist: What?
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Took three Ambiens and tried to call God on the microwave
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”