Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: We’ve made this idiot proof

Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*

Eeeekkk go for it 😂😂

I’m all for the scientific method.

Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.

Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time

Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.

Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.

Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.

Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.

According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.

Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.

Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.

[Outside liquor store]

Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?

Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.

Glasses

my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.

today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time

My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer

“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁

*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*

*burns neck with curling iron*

*stabs scalp with bobby pin*

*gets hairspray in eyes*

*wears hair in ponytail*

Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.

If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.

Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.

shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit

him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere

Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks

My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.

[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella

[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife

[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die

Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.

Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.

Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.

Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.

Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony

“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”