NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
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My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
if my sleeping schedule was a person
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
Cicadas will full on dominate a conversation and then leave you on read for 17 years.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
People who say “no pun intended” are weak. Intend your puns, you coward
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
🤣🤣🤣🤣
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.