Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

These people at work keep interrupting my naps.

I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday

Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother

ME: Make every guy afraid of me.

GENIE: As you wish.

ME: (a tampon): son of a

Me: Do you have a Summer menu?

Waiter: We have a menu at all times of the year. Otherwise people couldn’t select food and beverage options.

Me:

MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.

ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.

[meanwhile in ufo]

ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?

DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.

[therapy]

DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon

ME: No, a fear of clones

DOC: Oh…that seems irrational

OTHER ME: That’s what I said

Looking good, Kim! #LNSM

“You’re right, Harold. That is a nasty eye wound”. – William the Concurrer.

#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy

If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.

I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.

kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle

Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.

Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019

Choose your fighter!

Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.

Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.

Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.

Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)

Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.

Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.

[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapist

lady: we have cole slaw

me: ok

Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.

Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.

“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.

[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]

Me: diamond bracelet?

Clerk: $10,000

Me: cubic zirconia?

Clerk: $5,000

Me: glass?

Clerk: $2,000

Me: beaded plastic?

Clerk: $1,000

[later]

Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?

Me: I made it myself : )

The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING

If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?

*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that

Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?

Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.