Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
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“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Hermit crabs fact: They can be got rid of with a special shampoo but hermits are often too reclusive to visit the pharmacy.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
my anxiety is at an all time high because i keep getting texts that begin like ‘anna, we need to check in’ or ‘this is a difficult message to send’ and for a second i think it’s my boyfriend breaking up with me before i realize they’re all from tim walz
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
It’s above my pay grade to try to debate or change minds on social media. If you want to call a fish a squirrel, you’re right. Look at that squirrel swim
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
got too drunk in the vietnamese restaurant last night, they said i can never go back. they banh mi
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her