Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby

I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids

My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.

I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.

My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.

* scratches *

Damn.

Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..

to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.

Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up

Me: oh honey…you have no idea

when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real

The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg

I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever

When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly

Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…

If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?

*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.

Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.

First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.

[College admissions office]

“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”

ME: that’s wack

I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered

husband: *worrying*

me: I don’t think you should worry about that

husband: well what should I worry about instead then

Make me look younger

I gave a co-worker my word today …

And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …

My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer

ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.

Passport agent:

Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.

Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever

Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.

I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.

Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.

I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.

There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture

sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests

“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”

“Yes!”

“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”