Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
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i want enemies
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
When the stylist spins you back around
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
this is the news I live for
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
I have some bad news about people who work in offices
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.