Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
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Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Oddly specific
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
Gods work.
I have information that will lead to the arrest of Moo Deng
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
Horrifying if literal: foot locker