Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
You Might Also Like
You don’t realize how inappropriate your music is until you have a car full of other people’s children
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
The most extraordinary thing has just occurred to me.
Why’s it called recanting your testimony and not deleting your account?
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
a New Yorker reject, for you
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send