Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
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How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
I have a midnight snack in the middle of my day, which tells you more than you need to know about my sleep schedule.
I stood for an entire general admission concert at age 46, will my prize be mailed to me or…
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
Cinematography is my passion
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Don’t tell me what to do
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Siri just told me that traffic is light and I can make it home in 7 minutes. I am home. Where tf does she think we’re at right now.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.