Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.

[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2

congratulations to them

Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.

Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.

Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED

God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.

Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.

To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.

BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now

Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.

Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat

Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams

Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok

“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”

But she got me a shitty gift.

“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”

Well that’s a dumb policy.

High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years

don’t let anyone tell you, you can’t do something. show them you can’t.

I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.

*gets stabbed at one of my fishing spots*

911 operator: i need your exact location

Me: nevermind

superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early

man: is that a bird?

How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now

*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*

Optimist: The cup is half full.

Pessimist: The cup is half empty.

Taxidermist: The cup was empty, but I stuffed it full again.

Bigamist: I think this is Rachel’s cup. Or Amy’s. Maybe Susan’s?

Alarmist: Someone drank out of my cup! Watch out for thirsty burglars, people!

I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work

friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist

me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman

*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*

Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.

My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.

Pro debating tip:

Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.

Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway

My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?