Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
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2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
LOOOOOOL
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.