Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *typing* exercise

Autocorrect: extra fries

Me: this is better

Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.

“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”

You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.

[Commercial for Disneyland]

Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?

That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*

If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.

If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.

I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.

The waitress at my favorite restaurant is so funny. She’s always saying things like “stop calling me a waitress” and “your father and I think it’s time you moved out.”

It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails

But when it does,
no one is shocked

how much would they have to pay you to be the model for this article

[gym]

Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual

When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.

I repeat, don’t do it.

me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment

gf: orchids

me: whoa we should get married first

Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise

When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter

“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.

[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Aww

me*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!

[David Attenborough narrating my life]

Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall

[my kids walk in on me being murdered]

ME: call 911

KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?

The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence

Sure sex is great, but have you found an awesome clean washroom when you desperately had to pee?

Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?

In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?

I need to know the brand of toothbrush my neighbor has. I hear it buzzing sometimes an hour at a time and she’s clearly enjoying it

Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.

Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*

please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,