Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*

*Takes kid to pub*

*Bumps into wife at pub*

[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”

I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you

captain: hand in your gun

me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger

There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.

[parking lot in the 80’s]

*man appears to be having a heart attack*

MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR

ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead

I remember the time we were at a Restaurant, and my wife told me she was going to have A Baby! …And I decided just to have the Soup of the Day ..

If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.

[at symphony concert]

*marimba part begins*

Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?

Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”

My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.

Ask me how I know.

I’m not saying my 6yo is dramatic, I’m just saying we heard a severe thunderstorm warning on the car radio, and he groaned and said ugh why does my day keep getting worse

Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions

“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”

(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003

Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.

I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.

“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.

Son: You act like the dog is better than me.

Me: Sit

*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*

Me: I rest my case

The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.

A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.

Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup

At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.

The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.

This is an absolute shit investment.

Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.

Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle

I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.

6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes

I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.

its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects

As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.

I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.