Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all

I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿

8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?

Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts

8: Can we buy some after he dies?

Me: Sure

If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van

I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.

Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.

Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.

Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.

I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos

Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???

Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.

For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.

Hear me out:

A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full

If our tax money went towards funding healthy fried chicken research, I think we’d all be a little more understanding.

I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday

In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.

Another case where fake ones have a leg up.

I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.

why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf

*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.

I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.

Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window

Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.

[packing for holiday]

WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase

ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen

cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?

me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday

Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.

Thuggalations: 17:28

What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.

It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.

(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”

I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.

me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose

plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears

me: I need to speak to someone else then

Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.

“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.