Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???

ME: i wish girls would flock to me

GENIE: ok

ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A

If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will

it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift

I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.

Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.

I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.

Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……

Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.

Me: objection your honour!

Judge : sustained

Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.

Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs

Sounds like I’m eating water and air today

I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.

“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”

It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters

[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.

In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.

OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?

ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex

“Hi, I’m trying to find a book to read and I don’t know where to start.”
“Well, let’s narrow it down a little. Do you want fiction?”
“No, I don’t really like fiction.”
“Non-fiction, then.”
“No, not that either.”
“Okay…”
“Does that narrow it down?”
“Like you wouldn’t believe.”

I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.

Thus I have to move it to get a beer.

Because exercise is important too.

Someone in their late 20s giving advice to someone in their early 20s is exactly like when a toddler is obsessed with a newborn

We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.

I just won the traveling with kids lottery.

A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.

Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.

After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.

Vodka burrito was a success

Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.

A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM

BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time

Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.

Why is my body letting me get a cold?

I gave it an orange only last week….

Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.