Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.

Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.

as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– that one time you tried to get in on the friend group’s riff and your joke bombed so hard that it changed the whole vibe

Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!

Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*

If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.

[In meeting, puts cap on pen]

Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.

Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.

so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD

Walked through a haunted house and just kept muttering to myself about how much I liked the aesthetic of each room, like I was shopping for a house. And then a guy with a chainsaw would jump out or something and I would be like ok geez

It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.

Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…

I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.

The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’

Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh

From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills

i’ll see you in court (at the marriage registry) (i love you)

[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.

one thing I really like about competitive horse riding is that horses, more often than not, are assholes. love them! be an asshole! you’re a horse!

[texting]

Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?

Her: too long, didn’t read

Me: oh ffs you too?

sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know

The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.

i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking

I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.

So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.

[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?

If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.

Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.

I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.

interviewer: are you a good listener

TV captioner: yes

interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately

TV captioner: oh yeah

interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you