Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.

Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat

Kid: Hey Mom.

Me: I’m asleep.

Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?

Me: I’M AWAKE.

Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”

I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.

Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it

4 year old has a new bit where he pretends to have a fatal scooter accident. it’s very funny but the other patrons of the farmer’s market seemed alarmed

Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*

Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement

If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.

If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that

My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.

If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.

Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table

Cat: You aren’t my real father

Me: What?

Cat: Meow?

me: i’ll just have one more bite

narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites

Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium

There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.

[Gets out of bed]

How to use a credit card machine:

1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!

I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.

i wish there was a way to online shoplift 🙁

[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing

if i ever have to work at McDonald’s, i want to be the person who sits on the hamburgers.

Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.

just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now

I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.

If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?

Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.

Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”

Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”

I wonder what happens when you stop chasing waterfalls and the waterfalls start chasing you?

Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?