Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

accountant: do you have any dependents?

me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.

I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.

everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will

God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead

[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good

“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.

WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING

Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?

I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.

If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.

I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.

Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:

Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX

Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.

one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks

I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.

If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.

My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight

I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.

HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home

Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat

Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.

*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!

For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.

the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson

liiiiiiiiike

Me: *buys anything at the store*

Wife: Was it on sale?

Me: Yes.

Wife: Did you use a coupon?

Me: Yes.

Wife: Did you use your discount card?

Me: Oops.

Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.

Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM

Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little

The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.

Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.