Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cat is stressing him out.

The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”

Reoccurring dreams be like
‘I dunno, here’s a rerun’

When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.

Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.

I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.

I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?

Instead of “Take Your Child To Work Day” there should be a “Take Your Therapist To Work Day” so they can see exactly what you’ve been talking about

Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years

Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”

I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star

Me: [getting ready for work]

Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.

Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]

[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenade

SARGE: mine

ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade

Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.

Someone: how are you?

Me: thanks, you too.

Howl 😭

I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.

Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa

i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once

her: I’m a cat person

me: I’m more of a dog pers-

her: [starts licking hind leg]

me: oooOoo k

Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.

Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.

[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.

If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.

I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.

Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first

Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.

Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air

Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.

Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?

Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts