Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
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Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
I’m soirée for my mispronunciation of French words.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.