Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.

Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three

COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.

I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.

Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.

I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.

[crime scene]

•detective flips open pocket watch•

Hmmm…precisely what I thought

“What’s that sir”

•closes watch•

It’s lunch time

i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”

Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming

If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!

*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*

An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.

These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.

I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me

[rolls down car window]

“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”

Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!

[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”

Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”

Suffering from kleptomania?

You should take something.

Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these

*unzips babybell cheese*

yeah. that’s him.

*rezips babybell cheese*

A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.

I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.

I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.

Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke

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I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*

*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house

My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.

Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?

Me: *takes off my clothes*

Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.

*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar

Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?

Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.