Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:

why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes

The other night I ordered a series of drinks so bizarre that the bartender earnestly asked “what’s going on with you”

Someone left an anonymous love note on my daughter’s desk and the first thing she did was put it in a ziploc baggie so she can get DNA and fingerprints

Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…

Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date

hacker: i know your social security number

me: that makes one of us

If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.

getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you

Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now

“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.

[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?

Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.

I must be getting old.

The haircut I need is in my nose.

Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.

*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”

Sir this is a daycare…

“uh huh *winks* a daycare”

I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.

I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100

You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.

Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-

[loud crunch noise in back of room]

Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.

if someone leaves your life it’s often because the actor playing them is getting cancelled in the real world

It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.

Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”

I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.

I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese

I used the label maker

ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin

the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.

I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.